Remember being a teenager and convincing yourself you’d never turn into one of those out-of-touch fuddy duddies? Remember promising you’d never sell out like your parents did?
You were going to stay true to the latest trends, your clothes would be cool, not comfortable. Your taste in movies and comedy would remain raw and edgy. You’d never turn that dial from Radio 1 to 2.
And then one day you find yourself reading a clickbait headline about these millennials getting all woke about some outdated non-PC gag in Friends (didn’t that finish about two years ago?) and you realise you have completed that transition from denim to chino. Next stop corduroy.
I’ve never even been catfished. I thought that pairing the aubergine and peach emojis was a kind way of offering to do the grocery shopping.
The fact that the world has well and truly left me behind was hammered home by discussing two different sports this month - football and boxing.
On Saturday night I was asked whether I would be watching the fight between KSI and Logan Paul. The what between who and eh?
It turns out that two influential YouTube vloggers were taking each other on in the squared circle, and I could stream the bout at the cheap and cheerful price of £7.50.
Considering my last haircut cost less than that I decided to pass. But I wouldn’t have been the slightest bit interested anyway.
Firstly, because I don’t know who they are. Secondly, because if I’m going to pay to watch sport it’ll be between two people who have earned the right to fight after mastering their craft, not because they’ve got 37,600,000 subscribers between them.
Incidentally, the fight ended in a draw so they’re going to do it all again.
And you thought the world of real boxing shamelessly coined it in, eh?
Over in football, a friend kindly pointed me in the direction of Hashtag United (yes, Hashtag United), a team founded by YouTuber Spencer Owen, who uploaded videos of their matches against celebs and comedians to a huge audience.
But now they’ve made it real and play in the Eastern Senior League South, where they currently sit 10th.
One fan recently blurred the boundaries between real life and online by asking them not to tweet out their live scores because it ruined his experience of watching their matches as he already knew the outcome, which really should make me hate the whole venture.
But, you know what? I can’t get too angry.
Yes, I like things to be the way they were when I grew up, to the point that I’d rather watch Dave re-runs than most new shows.
But I also admire the fact that anyone with a smartphone can go out and create, can make their own fortune instead of waiting to be spotted by a big label.
We moan these millennials (a term which cleverly dodges calling them youngsters as marketing men don’t want to make my generation feel old and quit going out and consuming their goods just yet) are wasting their time in their bedrooms instead of getting outside.
Yet these vloggers have actually done it the other way round, their online fame indeed encouraging them to get out and play sport.
So if the kids are down then fair enough. Just don’t expect me to understand it, like it or pay for it. I’m far too old for that rubbish.